Carter Jackson Remedios Brown

I am a mommy. I have a son. A beautiful, perfect, wonderfully formed baby boy. I have a baby boy. I had....I HAD a baby boy. He wasn't a fetus, he wasn't a blob, he was a BABY. He was MY baby. And now, now I have a broken heart, empty arms, and more anger than I can contain in a heart that has, for so long, been filled with love. On February 7th 2013 at around 11:30 am the precious miracle I had BEGGED God for was born. He tried with everything in him to fight. He wanted me to be his mommy, he wanted Wes to be his daddy. He didn't want to die, he didn't do anything wrong. He was perfect. Carter was perfect. My son, this little sweetheart who captured my heart before I'd ever heard his angelic heart beating, he was the most perfect thing I have ever seen in my life. He was 9.5 inches long and 8 oz of absolute beauty. For a moment, after she told me he was a boy, my heart soared, I never thought I'd be a mom, I never thought I would have that chance, and now I was a mommy to a little boy. My happiness only lasted a moment, because back in this place called reality, it hit me that my son wasn't going to live. That no matter how much I begged God, no matter how many times I cried out  "My poor baby," Carter was not going to live. He wasn't big enough, his lungs were barely forming, he didn't have the kind of strength he would need to live in this big, scary world. That's when my world shattered. That is when I KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that nothing would ever be okay again, because I was going to have to spend the rest of my life living in a world where my son doesn't exist. Because the best gift I had ever been given was about to be cruelly ripped away from me. I had known from the moment they told me my cervix was opened, I had known from the moment I felt my water break, it was painfully obvious to me that something horrible was about to happen, but never in my life has anything broken my heart more than the look on my husband's face when he realized what was happening. I turned my head and saw that look, the look of a father who was about to lose something infinitely important, the look of a man on fire. Nothing could have prepared me for that look. I tried to convince myself that everything would be okay, but I knew better, I knew that my baby wasn't going to live, and worse than that, I KNEW that it was my fault. Because we saw him on the ultra sound screen half an hour before he was born, we saw him kicking and moving around, we heard that glorious heartbeat. He was PERFECT. He deserved a chance at life and MY body betrayed him. I would have given my life for him. I wouldn't have thought twice about it. He was EVERYTHING to me and I would have given up everything to save him, but I couldn't, and I was his mommy. Mommies fix things, mommies make things better, but I couldn't. I have replayed every second of that horrible day in my brain a thousand times. If I hadn't stood up would he still be alive? If I had taken my progesterone just a little bit longer would my cervix had been stronger? If I had recognized the symptoms of the little infection I had, would it have saved my sweet child's life? I can't let go of those questions. I can't stop hating myself because I could eat healthy, and I could plan to be the best mother I could ever be, I could read thousands of studies and books, I could do hours and hours of research and make plans, read product reviews, and prepare for everything my son would need, but I couldn't save him. I couldn't protect him and for that I will never stop being sorry. I feel like my heart has physically shattered, I can barely function. Everything around me makes me think of my little guy. I cry and cry until I am sure there are no more tears, but somehow more tears come. If you've never had your dreams stolen from you, if you've never heard the words, "your baby is alive but will only live for a few minutes," I can't explain to you the absolute torture, because no matter what you would give you are powerless and this little life that you created is quickly fading. I created a life, a human being who I had so many dreams for, a child with his daddy's chin and my nose. My best friend and I, we created a perfect, beautiful soul who deserved a chance that he never got and for the rest of my life I will mourn that. In the past four days I have gone from being an absolute mess every moment, to being a zombie who randomly cries over jalapeno peppers or something equally as obscure, I have probably driven my poor, sweet husband absolutely insane, but he would never tell me if I had. I am blessed to have him, because he loves me a thousand times more than I hate myself. I couldn't ask for a better partner, I couldn't ask for a better best friend. Because when I can't stand, he lifts me up, when I can't breathe he wraps his arms around me and holds me until I can calm down. He never lets the pain he's in stand in the way of being my backbone. I know that we will never stop missing our baby boy. He will always be a space in our hearts that cannot be filled, his short life made our marriage stronger, and I KNOW that he is smiling from Heaven because his mommy and daddy are so completely in love and leaning on each other in the worst kind of situation we could ever imagine. 

Carter Jackson Remedios Brown

You are now and will ALWAYS be the very best gift I've ever been given. Your life meant more to me than I could ever convey with these words. I will spend the rest of my life missing you and praying that you know how much my heart breaks because I love you more than life itself. I would have given my life for you, and Daddy would have too. He told me today that if he could have taken your place so I could have you in my arms, he would have. That kind of love is something very few people ever experience. We were so lucky that you chose us to be your mommy and daddy. We will always love you. 

I am a mommy. I am Carter's mommy. And nothing in this world could be a bigger blessing. <3