Dreaming For Two

Lately I find myself wondering so many things about this baby inside me. Right now he or she is so tiny, the size of a sweet pea. But I have so many questions. Am I carrying a handsome, loving little boy or a gorgeous, energetic little girl? Could my child be a future scientist, doctor, lawyer, or musician? Will she be the first woman president? Will he be a champion for civil rights? So many unknowns surround this tiny little darling. The one thing I do know is this, no matter who our baby becomes, I will never stop loving him or her with every fiber of who I am. Nothing, and no one will ever change the intense feeling of protection and joy that surrounds this child. I have not held you in my arms, I have not seen your sweet little face, but I know that I would die for you without thinking twice. I know that I am your mommy, and that is the best job I could ever have. The ONLY desire I have is to bring a healthy baby into this world and to raise this baby to be a HAPPY man or woman. Happiness comes in many forms, I don't care which you choose Lil Bean, just choose with your heart.

So far we have had a few little snags in the road but our baby is still growing. My mind won't be at ease until I am holding a precious baby in my arms, but I pray that God will protect us both.

XoXo
Jackilyn

Broken Hearts Healed by 2 Pink Lines

 Below is a journal entry I wrote on November 19th 2012. Five days later I took another pregnancy test and my heart stopped when a second line miraculously appeared. 

(Photo 3 is the moment Wesley finally realized what his letter and test meant)

*November 19*

There is something incredibly cruel about pregnancy tests. To a terrified teenager, a negative pregnancy test could be the best news in the world but when you've spent years, countless dollars, and Lord only knows how many tears only to face heart wrenching disappointment month after month by a single line or those words that feel like a knife through the heart, "Not Pregnant," a negative pregnancy test is such a heartbreaking experience. Each time I take a test, which I do quite often due to my "pee on a stick" addiction, a little piece of my soul feels like it has died. This month, finally, we tried fertility drugs, Provera, Clomid, and Ovidrel. Today was 11 days past trigger. The test was still negative. That is early, but I just feel like we're out this month. :(