Carter,
Oh how I miss you baby boy. My heart aches every day with your loss. I feel empty and broken. Holding other babies puts an ache in my heart unlike anything I've ever felt. For so long, all I've wanted was to be a mother, but now, all I want is to be YOUR mother. Daddy wants to have another baby, he says that after seeing how perfect you were, he knows that we make wonderful babies together and he wants to have a chance to raise our child. I just can't let go of the idea of holding YOU my little guy. YOU are the baby I wanted, and prayed for, and loved more than I've ever loved anything in my entire life. You are the baby I need here. I am afraid to try again because I am terrified of losing another child, but there are other reasons. Reasons I don't want to admit for fear of being judged, but reasons I will admit to you, because you already know my heart better than anyone else. I don't want to try again, because I am afraid that you would think I was trying to replace you. That you would feel that another baby would take your place in my heart. I am afraid to try again because I don't know how to love a different baby the way I love you. That makes me feel like a terrible mommy, but it is how I feel. You are on my mind every moment sweetheart. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. For the short time I had you here, you made me the happiest mommy in the world. I promise you that. I really don't know what else to say. My heart is too full of sadness to have the words I need to tell you. I know that you know them. I know that you understand how I am feeling, but I wish I could tell you and have it make more sense. When I was dreaming of my baby, I didn't know if I was dreaming of a little girl or a baby boy and part of me was hoping for a girl, but the other part wanted a boy more than anything in the world. I would have been thrilled with whatever God gave me, but the moment I heard that you were a boy, I have never been so happy. A million times since that day, the day my world shattered, I have thought of you, of my SON, and smiled. I can't believe I have a son, it is the biggest, most important accomplishment of my life, but it is also the saddest. It breaks my heart over and over again because I know that I will never hold you, or wipe away you tears. I will never play baseball with you, or take you to your first concert with daddy. All the things we dreamed for you were ripped away and I just don't know how to move past that. I don't know how to mother another child without constantly aching for the one I lost. I don't know how to hold another child without my heart breaking for you. I don't know how to be a woman without a child when every piece of me wants to scream that I AM someone's mother. I miss you Carter. I will ALWAYS miss you. I don't know how to pick up the pieces and move forward. Daddy is really trying, he wants to help me, but I don't know that anyone can. I need my baby here with me. :( I am working on making myself a better person. I am trying to get healthy and reach some goals before I even think about having another child, but I don't know how I will ever be ready to hold a baby that isn't you. :( I feel like a terrible person for feeling that way, because I know I'd love any baby that resulted from the love between your daddy and I, but the thought of going through this again, or of raising a child who isn't you, just breaks my heart. Maybe someday I will be ready, but I don't think that day is today. I will forever love you my little giraffe. <3
Please watch over Popa for me. You already know he's the most important man in my life, after all, how could I name my son after anyone else?
With More LOVE than you could ever know,
Mommy!
Oh how I miss you baby boy. My heart aches every day with your loss. I feel empty and broken. Holding other babies puts an ache in my heart unlike anything I've ever felt. For so long, all I've wanted was to be a mother, but now, all I want is to be YOUR mother. Daddy wants to have another baby, he says that after seeing how perfect you were, he knows that we make wonderful babies together and he wants to have a chance to raise our child. I just can't let go of the idea of holding YOU my little guy. YOU are the baby I wanted, and prayed for, and loved more than I've ever loved anything in my entire life. You are the baby I need here. I am afraid to try again because I am terrified of losing another child, but there are other reasons. Reasons I don't want to admit for fear of being judged, but reasons I will admit to you, because you already know my heart better than anyone else. I don't want to try again, because I am afraid that you would think I was trying to replace you. That you would feel that another baby would take your place in my heart. I am afraid to try again because I don't know how to love a different baby the way I love you. That makes me feel like a terrible mommy, but it is how I feel. You are on my mind every moment sweetheart. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. For the short time I had you here, you made me the happiest mommy in the world. I promise you that. I really don't know what else to say. My heart is too full of sadness to have the words I need to tell you. I know that you know them. I know that you understand how I am feeling, but I wish I could tell you and have it make more sense. When I was dreaming of my baby, I didn't know if I was dreaming of a little girl or a baby boy and part of me was hoping for a girl, but the other part wanted a boy more than anything in the world. I would have been thrilled with whatever God gave me, but the moment I heard that you were a boy, I have never been so happy. A million times since that day, the day my world shattered, I have thought of you, of my SON, and smiled. I can't believe I have a son, it is the biggest, most important accomplishment of my life, but it is also the saddest. It breaks my heart over and over again because I know that I will never hold you, or wipe away you tears. I will never play baseball with you, or take you to your first concert with daddy. All the things we dreamed for you were ripped away and I just don't know how to move past that. I don't know how to mother another child without constantly aching for the one I lost. I don't know how to hold another child without my heart breaking for you. I don't know how to be a woman without a child when every piece of me wants to scream that I AM someone's mother. I miss you Carter. I will ALWAYS miss you. I don't know how to pick up the pieces and move forward. Daddy is really trying, he wants to help me, but I don't know that anyone can. I need my baby here with me. :( I am working on making myself a better person. I am trying to get healthy and reach some goals before I even think about having another child, but I don't know how I will ever be ready to hold a baby that isn't you. :( I feel like a terrible person for feeling that way, because I know I'd love any baby that resulted from the love between your daddy and I, but the thought of going through this again, or of raising a child who isn't you, just breaks my heart. Maybe someday I will be ready, but I don't think that day is today. I will forever love you my little giraffe. <3
Please watch over Popa for me. You already know he's the most important man in my life, after all, how could I name my son after anyone else?
With More LOVE than you could ever know,
Mommy!
