Meltdowns and Missing Memories

Half the time I feel numb. 

There's a small voice in the back of my head telling me that I should be crying, telling me that my baby is gone and I won't ever have the chance to hold him again. 

I feel like I am just getting through every single day but I'm not living. 

I'm not alive. 

Then, there are these moments when it feels like my world is crashing around me. 

Tonight is one of those moments.

My heart is ripping to shreds. 

If I would let myself, if the prozac would let me, I'd fall on the floor sobbing until I could no longer breathe. 

I feel a panic bubbling inside my soul that would rival ANYTHING I've ever felt.

I really thought that time was supposed to heal my heart, I know it hasn't been long enough. 

12 days isn't long enough. Not to mourn my poor little boy. 

Not to let go of my dreams. 

It isn't long enough, but I don't believe that any amount of time will be sufficient. 

Because my son wasn't the only thing that died on February 7th. 

Part of me died too. 

My dreams of ever being a mother didn't die, but the chances of that happening did. 

I thought that maybe it would get a little easier but it hasn't.

It is getting harder to get through each day but it is so much worse at night. 

I feel like people expect me to just get over it, but how do you "get over" having your child ripped away from you?

How do you get over knowing that your body betrayed him and caused his death? 

I am terrified of life. 

I am afraid to talk to my friends or family. 

I am afraid of being judged for my grief.

I am afraid to answer messages that say well meaning things like, "it was part of God's plan" or "some things aren't meant to be." Because there are only so many understanding words I can respond with when I DON'T understand. Because it isn't fair. It's not. 

It isn't fair that people who don't want babies get pregnant. 

It isn't fair that people who are selfish and immature get pregnant.

It surely isn't fair that people who REFUSE to put their children and their needs first get pregnant and give birth to beautiful babies who will spend their lives being neglected. 

Trust me, you DON'T want to know what life is like for someone who is infertile. 

I thought that my infertility was the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to me.

It turns out that there is something worse out there. 

Because I finally got pregnant, I finally had my miracle and he died before he ever got the chance to really live. 

THAT is the definition of unfair!

And I am SO sorry if I sound bitter, but I AM bitter. 

I am ANGRY and hurt and SO so bitter. 

I will never feel tiny feet kicking me from the inside. I will never again see a precious little guy using my bladder as a trampoline. I won't ever have the joy of seeing two lines on a pregnancy test.

And I will never get to take maternity pictures. All of those things died with my Carter. And NO ONE can explain that to me. No one can make sense of this! 

That MY baby didn't deserve to live? That I don't deserve to be a mother? Really? 

I have spent my entire life dreaming of children I will never have. I have dedicated time and energy into other people's children and cared for them just like my own. I AM a mother, a mother with no child. I know that no one is trying to hurt me, but please realize that my child's life WAS meant to be. I AM meant to be a mother and I DO deserve it. I would have been an amazing mother. I would have given my life to save Carter's if I would have been given that choice! How many mother's do you know who gave everything for their child even before he was conceived? I DID. I will NEVER regret all that I went through for my son because he will ALWAYS be the best gift I ever received. But I won't get over it. I CAN'T get over it. I am so broken. I have never been so broken...

A Poem For my Son

I am thankful for every moment you grew inside me

I am blessed to have been your mommy

There will forever be a hole in my heart where you belong

Daddy chose lullabies you'll never hear

I chose clothes you'll never wear

We spent hours wondering how you'd spend your life

nights praying for your care

I think about you every day and wonder what I did wrong

To have my blessing ripped away before you ever got to live your own life song

I will never forget those tiny, perfect hands

I wish I'd had the chance to hold them

You looked just like your daddy, right down to your chin

but you had your mommy's nose

We may never kiss away your tears

or teach you to overcome your fears

but your life does matter my sweet baby boy

Every second you grew inside me filled my heart with joy.

-Mommy 

Too Soon

Too Soon 

Mary Yarnall 

This was a life that had hardly begun

No time to find your place in the Sun

No time to do all you could have done

But we loved you enough for a lifetime

No time to enjoy the world and it's wealth

No time to take life down off the shelf

No time to sing the songs of yourself

Thou you had enough love for a lifetime

Those who live long endure sadness and tears

But you'll never suffer the sorrowing years

No betrayal, no anger, no hatred, no fears

Just love - Only love - In your lifetime.

Carter Jackson Remedios Brown

I am a mommy. I have a son. A beautiful, perfect, wonderfully formed baby boy. I have a baby boy. I had....I HAD a baby boy. He wasn't a fetus, he wasn't a blob, he was a BABY. He was MY baby. And now, now I have a broken heart, empty arms, and more anger than I can contain in a heart that has, for so long, been filled with love. On February 7th 2013 at around 11:30 am the precious miracle I had BEGGED God for was born. He tried with everything in him to fight. He wanted me to be his mommy, he wanted Wes to be his daddy. He didn't want to die, he didn't do anything wrong. He was perfect. Carter was perfect. My son, this little sweetheart who captured my heart before I'd ever heard his angelic heart beating, he was the most perfect thing I have ever seen in my life. He was 9.5 inches long and 8 oz of absolute beauty. For a moment, after she told me he was a boy, my heart soared, I never thought I'd be a mom, I never thought I would have that chance, and now I was a mommy to a little boy. My happiness only lasted a moment, because back in this place called reality, it hit me that my son wasn't going to live. That no matter how much I begged God, no matter how many times I cried out  "My poor baby," Carter was not going to live. He wasn't big enough, his lungs were barely forming, he didn't have the kind of strength he would need to live in this big, scary world. That's when my world shattered. That is when I KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that nothing would ever be okay again, because I was going to have to spend the rest of my life living in a world where my son doesn't exist. Because the best gift I had ever been given was about to be cruelly ripped away from me. I had known from the moment they told me my cervix was opened, I had known from the moment I felt my water break, it was painfully obvious to me that something horrible was about to happen, but never in my life has anything broken my heart more than the look on my husband's face when he realized what was happening. I turned my head and saw that look, the look of a father who was about to lose something infinitely important, the look of a man on fire. Nothing could have prepared me for that look. I tried to convince myself that everything would be okay, but I knew better, I knew that my baby wasn't going to live, and worse than that, I KNEW that it was my fault. Because we saw him on the ultra sound screen half an hour before he was born, we saw him kicking and moving around, we heard that glorious heartbeat. He was PERFECT. He deserved a chance at life and MY body betrayed him. I would have given my life for him. I wouldn't have thought twice about it. He was EVERYTHING to me and I would have given up everything to save him, but I couldn't, and I was his mommy. Mommies fix things, mommies make things better, but I couldn't. I have replayed every second of that horrible day in my brain a thousand times. If I hadn't stood up would he still be alive? If I had taken my progesterone just a little bit longer would my cervix had been stronger? If I had recognized the symptoms of the little infection I had, would it have saved my sweet child's life? I can't let go of those questions. I can't stop hating myself because I could eat healthy, and I could plan to be the best mother I could ever be, I could read thousands of studies and books, I could do hours and hours of research and make plans, read product reviews, and prepare for everything my son would need, but I couldn't save him. I couldn't protect him and for that I will never stop being sorry. I feel like my heart has physically shattered, I can barely function. Everything around me makes me think of my little guy. I cry and cry until I am sure there are no more tears, but somehow more tears come. If you've never had your dreams stolen from you, if you've never heard the words, "your baby is alive but will only live for a few minutes," I can't explain to you the absolute torture, because no matter what you would give you are powerless and this little life that you created is quickly fading. I created a life, a human being who I had so many dreams for, a child with his daddy's chin and my nose. My best friend and I, we created a perfect, beautiful soul who deserved a chance that he never got and for the rest of my life I will mourn that. In the past four days I have gone from being an absolute mess every moment, to being a zombie who randomly cries over jalapeno peppers or something equally as obscure, I have probably driven my poor, sweet husband absolutely insane, but he would never tell me if I had. I am blessed to have him, because he loves me a thousand times more than I hate myself. I couldn't ask for a better partner, I couldn't ask for a better best friend. Because when I can't stand, he lifts me up, when I can't breathe he wraps his arms around me and holds me until I can calm down. He never lets the pain he's in stand in the way of being my backbone. I know that we will never stop missing our baby boy. He will always be a space in our hearts that cannot be filled, his short life made our marriage stronger, and I KNOW that he is smiling from Heaven because his mommy and daddy are so completely in love and leaning on each other in the worst kind of situation we could ever imagine. 

Carter Jackson Remedios Brown

You are now and will ALWAYS be the very best gift I've ever been given. Your life meant more to me than I could ever convey with these words. I will spend the rest of my life missing you and praying that you know how much my heart breaks because I love you more than life itself. I would have given my life for you, and Daddy would have too. He told me today that if he could have taken your place so I could have you in my arms, he would have. That kind of love is something very few people ever experience. We were so lucky that you chose us to be your mommy and daddy. We will always love you. 

I am a mommy. I am Carter's mommy. And nothing in this world could be a bigger blessing. <3