A RAINBOW is coming! April 10th 2015

It's been awhile since I've updated. A mixture of life happening incredibly fast, and not really knowing what to say. We went to a new fertility doctor this year, he was amazing and very kind. He listened to our concerns and he helped us figure out where to go from where we were at the time. That meant that, once again, my body was to be put through a lot of tests. So I had ultrasounds and biopsies, more bloodwork than the average vampire's pet human, and an HSG that was, let me tell ya, a barrel of laughs! In May we were told that conceiving without invasive treatments was a 0% chance. On June 9th I went in for my HSG. The small blockages that were possibly there were no longer there by the end of the test. In July my husband took me to a Counting Crow's concert, if you know anything about our love story, you know they're the reason we fell in love to begin with. Then, sometime in the middle of August something incredible happened.I had been feeling nauseous and strange for days. My period was at least a week late but since there was a 0% chance of pregnancy I didn't think anything of it. I wanted to go to the doctor to find out what was wrong but figured I should take a pregnancy test first, just to rule it out before taking any meds that may be prescribed. I called the mister on his way home from work and told him that I was feeling weird and that I wanted to take a test to rule out pregnancy before going to the doctor. He told me there were some tests in a box from when we moved. When he got home he brought in two expired Dollar General tests which I promptly took. Imagine the sheer shock when that second pink line IMMEDIATELY showed up. I mean, as soon as the pee hit it! I had never had a positive test that dark. My positives with Carter were such squinters that I had to tweak the pics and post them in my favorite group of POAS addicts! But these were very clearly positive. I walked out of the bathroom and handed one of the tests to the husband. He looked at it, looked at me and said, "What does that mean? What does that MEAN?" I told him it might mean that he knocked me up, or it might mean that those expired tests were faulty. lol! He put his shoes on and told me he'd be back and headed to Wal*mart to buy non-expired tests. When he got home I ran to the bathroom to try again. This time with a digi and knowing that these results would be accurate. I peed. I sat that test down and stared at the stupid hour glass for what felt like an hour, in reality 3 minutes, and then the word I had waited for for SO long appeared...."PREGNANT." I started laughing, the kind of manic laugh that only a crazy person is capable of. I laughed and smiled, and put my hand on my stomach and just relished in that moment. Then I yelled for my husband. I said something along the lines of, "are you ready to be a daddy again?" and he just stared at me. He said, "no way. How can that happen? I thought that couldn't happen? Are you being serious?" And I handed him the test. His face lit up in a smile I hadn't seen in a long time. Then he looked terrified, his brown face turned pale. He looked at me and said, "Is it okay if I have a beer?" So I grabbed him a beer and we sat on the couch and just held onto each other laughing and smiling and not believing that this was real. He wondered out loud when it could have happened, but I was pretty sure I knew. The next morning I called my fertility doctor's office and said I needed an appointment. The receptionist asked me what I wanted to schedule for and I replied, "well, I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant." She paused for a moment and said, "I'll get you a nurse." Megan, our favorite nurse got on the line and said, "Jackilyn, I hear you might be pregnant? What symptoms are making you think you are?" I said, "for starters, these 4 positive pregnancy tests, and the nausea and exhaustion kind of add to the suspicion." She laughed and said, "4 tests? I'd say you're pregnant alright! Congratulations! We will have you come in next week for an ultrasound." So I went. I had an ultrasound and was told that my baby was "perfect, incredible, marvilous!" The doctor told me that this baby was a "true medical miracle." The husband said, "So, about that 0% chance," to which the doctor replied that this pregnancy could not be explained by science. He told me that I needed to come back in 2 weeks at which point he would release me, if all was well, to a midwife or OB of my choice. I was on egg shells for those two weeks hoping and praying that everything was okay. Once you lose a baby, the next pregnancy isn't easy, it's a constant state of happiness and fear battling each other. I made it to my appointment and got to see our baby again. It is crazy how much bigger a fetus is in a matter of two weeks. The doctor said he or she was still doing perfectly well and that there was nothing to fear at this point. He said to take it easy but not to be afraid because this was a sticky baby. So I went home and relaxed. I told a few people but we decided to wait until we were past the "danger zone" to tell everyone else. So I suffered through intense all day sickness in virtual silence for the next 6 weeks and waited. At 12 weeks I was in a car accident which was terrifying because I thought I might lose our baby. At 14 weeks we had an ultrasound and finally decided to announce to the world that we were, indeed, having a RAINBOW baby. At 16 weeks we discovered that our rainbow is a GIRL and we chose the name Aleigha Lisalyn. Her middle name comes from my cousins Lisa Michelle and Amy Lynn who I know are two of her guardian angels. At 18 weeks we had the anatomy scan and were told that she is a perfect little girl with all of her functioning organs. Now, I am 22 weeks, still dealing with throwing up and random sickness but happier than I could possibly imagine. She kicks me several times a day and I love that feeling. She responds to her daddy's voice, even though he can't feel it yet, and she has her own personality. She is my miracle in every way and I am so blessed to have her growing inside of me. I was so afraid that I'd lose her, I knew I wasn't strong enough to go through that again. But she's safe and she's growing, and every day she's getting more prepared to join us in the world. In 5 weeks we will enter the third trimester, a milestone I wasn't sure I'd ever see! Her daddy is so good about taking care of me and doing all the amazing daddy things. He's such a great man and she's truly lucky he is hers! Just as I am truly lucky he is mine. I wasn't sure when I was going to write this post, because this place is Carter's, and I didn't want to take it over with someone else, but then I realized that Aleigha is part of Carter just as she is a part of me and I don't think he would mind sharing his space one bit. If I'm being honest, I think he asked God to send her to us. I think he knew we needed her. So I guess when I'm saying my thank yous the night she is born I should thank God, Carter, and the Counting Crows. ;)

Here's to Rainbows, and the best years of our lives <3

1 year and so much has changed...

Carter,

Tomorrow marks a year since the day that we buried you. Last Valentine's day Daddy and I were so numb and broken that we didn't do anything but hold each other and cry. I cannot believe it's been a year since we said goodbye to you. Sometimes I wake up from a dream expecting to feel you moving inside me or feel you sleeping beside me. It seems so surreal that I don't have a baby when I feel like such a mom. You already know we are still waiting on a rainbow. Sometimes I feel like it's never going to happen. I honestly just want to disappear sometimes to get away from this pain but it doesn't go away. I'm surrounded by pregnancy, babies, and families, I try so hard not to let it break me but sometimes it does. I don't want to be jealous and bitter but sometimes I am...

I'm doing a lot better lately. I finally feel like I have a reason to live again. Not to say it doesn't still hurt because it does, but I have really made big strides toward being happy. Your daddy and I are more in love than ever...For a while there I thought we weren't going to make it. We just had to breathe through the pain and find our way back to each other. :)  He's my best friend and I couldn't imagine doing life without his goofiness. <3 Plus, he and I are the only pieces of you that either of us have.

I miss your aunt Lisa too. SO much. The one thing that keeps me sane is knowing that she's up there snuggling you for me. She's the only person in the world I'd trust to rock my baby to sleep if I couldn't. I hope you and Abi are getting to know each other and having a good time playing. Sometimes I imagine you two running around in circles playing tag while Lisa sits in a rocking chair giggling and Amy gives her disapproving Amy face while trying not to laugh. I really miss all of you. Sometimes it doesn't seem real. How could so many people that I love have been taken away? I guess the comfort in that is that, for a little while, I had something that made saying goodbye SO hard.

I love you sweet boy. I will love you every single day of my life. Thank you for being my baby, for giving me the gift of being a mother that I never thought I'd have. Please give your aunties hugs for me, and grandpa Jack, Remedios, and your Uncles Brian and Kailob too. Tell them I love them. And never forget how very much I love you.

Forever yours,
Mommy

How'd we get here?

Today, I walked through a store and saw giraffes everywhere I turned. I smiled, because I know that you are reminding your daddy and I that you are still here. Every day when I talk to you, I feel you with me. I wish you were in my arms, but you will never leave my heart. Today you would have been 4 months old if you had been born on your due date. I can't imagine what it would be like to have a perfect, healthy 4 month old here with me instead of empty arms. This post isn't meant to be a sad one though. It's meant to be a happy one. Happy because I feel blessed to have had you for 15 weeks. Because I feel proud to know that my body was your one and only home before you laid in the arms of God. Because I feel immensely grateful to know that you were born into loving hands and you passed away in loving hands, even if they weren't mine. Because you, my precious baby boy, are now a memory that fills my heart with so much love and joy that the sadness doesn't have as much room to hurt. And because I am finally ready to love another baby. For the past ten months I have struggled with the idea of getting pregnant again because I was terrified that I'd never love another child the way I love you, or that I'd be "replacing" you, which of course would never happen, you are irreplaceable. Daddy and I have talked and talked and cried, and talked some more about when we would feel ready to bring your baby brother or sister into this world. I think now is that time. Of course it will take a lot of patience and probably a lot of pain, because Mommy's body is a big mess of broken when it comes to fertility, but I know that it will be worth it. I know, because I feel it in my heart, that this is okay with you and that you want this for us. I made a big step tonight. I am facing my fears. I don't know what I will do if something  goes wrong, if I lose another baby, but I know that the pain of never having my baby in my arms would be impossible to accept. I know that God and your daddy will be here to get me through whatever storm may come our way and I know that I have a tiny little baby up in Heaven who is going to send me the perfect brother or sister. <3 Thank you for being my perfect little angel. Don't ever stop visiting us because we will never stop loving those gentle reminders of your life. <3 You will always be my biggest blessing. 

XoXoXo,

Mommy 

I believe in a woman's right to birth her child however & wherever she pleases!

Yesterday I witnessed the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. One of my amazing friends had a home water birth and set up a private stream online so that those of us who were far away could be a part of it. She was in labor for days, she was amazing. So strong. At one point, I was so thrown by how completely different this birth was when she took bites of a cheeseburger, in her birthing tub, in between contractions. It was great. The next day, after her water broke she started having more contractions and it was getting closer to "time."  Then, when baby Nathan was finally ready to make his way into the world, I witnessed a true miracle that I will forever be grateful for. She got on her hands and knees, and through moans, she pushed. Out loud she said the words, "I feel the head" and after another amazing push she lifted a gorgeous, perfect little boy out of the water and held him against her chest. No one came to take him away from her, no one rushed over to clamp and cut his cord, she just held her new baby as his daddy called their family members and his older siblings looked on with love. His big brother leaned over and gently touched his head and I couldn't stop crying. It was, quite literally, the most miraculous thing I have ever witnessed.

Here's the thing, I grew up in a time when medicine is the norm and holistics, anything to do with nature, and "crunchy living" is frowned upon. Somehow, big pharma and the government or the powers that be have convinced women that their bodies are not capable of natural child birth. That they NEED to be in a sterile hospital with a full surgical staff on duty even during a healthy pregnancy because they may need a c-section, or, their body may not be able to handle the pain of childbirth without an epidural. It's that kind of mentality that leads people to look at a mother planning a home birth and tell her she's irresponsible, then give her several horrifying scenarios as to what could go wrong. I'm not saying that no one should give birth in a hospital, how disrespectful would it be of me to presume to know what type of birth is best for another woman....OH, probably just as disrespectful as it is for anyone else to presume to know what type of birth is best for me, or my friend Mo, or any other mother who is planning her dream birth.

Do you know what every good mother has in common? Their most important goal during birth is to deliver a healthy child. That's a fact but it is a fact that looks different to different people. I have friends who are fantastic mothers who would never feel comfortable delivering anywhere but a hospital. They may still have a natural birth, or maybe for some reason they have a planned induction, maybe they have an epidural, maybe they don't. I have friends who are phenomenal mothers who delivered in a birthing center because they didn't feel comfortable at a hospital nor did they feel comfortable at home. And I have friends who have had completely unassisted home births or births at home with midwives present, and guess what? They are equally wonderful mothers. Not a single one of them went into their birth with anything but the best interest of their baby and themselves in mind.

A home birth is not irresponsible when a woman is having a healthy pregnancy. In fact, if you care to study a little bit, you will easily find statistics that show the opposite is true. Home birthing mothers are able to relax. They aren't hooked to monitors and ivs, they aren't being starved or deprived of drinks, they aren't being forced to lay on their back to give birth in a position that is ridiculously counterproductive to the birthing process. They are free to move around, relax, eat & drink, and spend time with family. They are free to ride out contractions in any position they feel comfortable in, and they are free to push when THEY feel ready not when some dude in a lab coat tells them they must. If an emergency arose and there was a need for medical intervention, home birthing moms almost always have a plan in place to get to the hospital quickly and safely. Home birth is not some new phenomenon, women have been birthing babies for a looooong time! Oh, and while we're on this subject....Doctors do NOT deliver babies (unless they are female and happen to be pregnant), they catch them. Mommies and their babies deliver babies.

When I lost Carter, I had just watched, "The Business of Being Born" a week earlier. I knew that I wanted a water birth. I knew that I wanted no interventions. I knew that I wanted it to be attended by my incredible midwife. After watching that documentary my head was filled with so much knowledge I'd never had before. When I started feeling like something was wrong and I called Stephanie around 1 am, she told me to monitor it and if I still felt off to come in. I did because I was in so much pain. I won't go into all the details because they're in my previous posts but this part is pertinent to this particular topic. When my water broke they called the OB at the midwife's office in. I delivered the baby and the cord detached from the placenta. I knew that I was going to have to push it out but I wasn't sure how or what to do. My heart rate was fading, I'm not sure if it was because of the stress and trauma or if my heart was just completely broken, and I was feeling like the room was spinning but Stephanie kept telling me I had to push because if I didn't I was going to have to go to surgery. Something in that moment just clicked in my brain. I knew I wasn't going to be able to take a living baby home from that office but I also knew that I could still have that intervention free experience. I wanted to be fully present and I wasn't going to let anyone take that from me. The doctor, who I won't name because I wasn't his biggest fan and I don't want to taint anyone else's opinion of him, started talking to my midwife about taking me to surgery for a D&C, and administering cytotec. That word jolted me. I remember looking at him with the most horrified feeling and telling him that no one would be giving me cytotec or taking me to surgery. He was slightly taken aback and proceeded to try to convince my midwife that I COULDN'T deliver the entire placenta and that I needed a D&C, apparently he had forgotten that I was in the room because he continued trying to talk her into convincing me. She came over and looked at me and said that she knew I wanted to do this naturally and that she was right there to help me. She pressed down on my stomach and I pushed over and over and over until I was quite sure I was going to die. I delivered the full placenta, avoided surgery, & refused the cytotec and once they got my heart rate stabilized, I had never felt so strong in my life. That's the thing doctors usually don't tell you. They don't tell you that your body CAN do it, or that you are strong enough, but you are and you can. I have no misrepresentations in my mind that naturally delivering a baby and a placenta at 15 weeks is exactly the same as delivering a baby at 40+ weeks, but I do know that because of that experience, I know that when the time comes and I DO get to keep a healthy baby here on earth, I will have the birth that I want because my body has already proven its strength.

I am not some "hippie" who hates doctors and medicine and anyone who doesn't agree with me. I appreciate doctors because I know that sometimes their job is necessary and they DO save lives. I appreciate medicine because without it many of my family members would not be here. I appreciate people with opinions that are not the same as mine because ideas change the world and that is SO important. What I don't appreciate is being told that MY body is not capable of delivering a child without interventions. That MY body is not capable of knowing when it's time to push without being told. That MY body cannot do what billions of other women before me have done. I don't appreciate that at all. If you don't believe in home birth, you don't have to have one, I have no intention of pushing this concept on anyone who doesn't want one. I'm glad hospitals are there for the women who need or want them. I'm also glad there are women out there who are standing up for their rights! I'm glad that in the states where the government is trying increasingly harder to make home birth illegal, women are standing up and telling them to back off! I'm thankful to the midwives who are risking their careers and their freedom by attending births in these states because they care about women and babies that much! I'm thankful to people like Ina May Gaskin and Ricky Lake for making the free birth/home birth movement something that people are talking about. I am SO thankful to people like my friends Monique and Heather who are so open with their own experiences because without them, I would NEVER have the courage to stand up and say that I KNOW my body can do it and I know what is best for my baby.

I won't even touch the topics of delayed cord clamping and placenta encapsulation, but yes, I believe in those too ;)

So sure, maybe you think that  I AM, "one of those hippies." Maybe you think that I am a little too granola. Maybe you think I'm insane, but you know what? I Thank God that I am following in the footsteps of women who have had the courage to be insane before me. I am not afraid. I am strong.

Selfish & Broken

Hi baby,

It's mommy again. It's been a while since I've written here but I talk to you everyday. It's been almost six months since we said goodbye. Sometimes it seems like a lifetime but sometimes I relive it like it happened yesterday. I finally got the courage to visit your grave a couple weeks ago, it was hard to be there knowing that even so close I still couldn't hold you. I don't think I'm ever going to be the girl I was before. Your life changed me in so many ways. Your death changed me too. I used to love everyone and love being around people but now it takes everything in me to function in public. It is hard to hear the comments people make. They probably don't mean to hurt me, if you haven't had your miracle taken away, I guess it would be hard to know what to say. They talk about motherhood as if it is the most irritating job on earth, they make comments about how bratty their kids are, or how they wish they could, "get rid of them" for the weekend so they could go out. I understand wanting time to yourself, and I try to be supportive, but in my mind and in my heart, all I can really think is that I would give ANYTHING to be woken in the middle of the night by a crying baby, I'd give anything to deal with the spilled milk or overturned box of crackers, I'd give anything to battle the terrible twos or to go days without sleeping for some reason other than my insomnia. I'd give anything to spend every waking moment with my baby. That chance was taken from me and hearing other people complain about it just breaks my heart. Maybe that sounds selfish, maybe it IS selfish but it's how I feel and I try SO hard to keep it to myself because I do love my friends and family and I'd never want to hurt them or offend them but it is SO so hard for me not to fall apart during these kinds of exchanges. They have a hard job, and I understand that, and I want them to feel comfortable talking to me, I don't ever want to judge them because I know they judge themselves enough. I know being a mom isn't easy, I know because I spent a year of my life raising a little boy who I love more than life, who was ripped away from me just like you were, except that he's still on earth, I just can't hold him anymore. Because EVERY SINGLE DAY I devoted everything to him and even when it was hard and frustrating and impossible, I loved every second of it. I would give anything to have him here with me because I love him just the same way I love you. I take care of people, I always have, it's what I love the most in life. I always knew that the only dream I really cared about was being someone's mommy. The sad part is that after 3 years, thousands of dollars, more physical and emotional pain than I care to relive, and one horrifying morning when I lost the greatest gift I had ever been given, my arms, my womb, and my heart are still so very empty. I am so sick of infertility, but interestingly enough, at one point I thought infertility was the worst heartache I could endure. How wrong was I? My heart aches for every couple who endures this journey. Whether they've been trying for one year or 20 because wherever you are on your journey is the most painful place to be in that moment. I never ever thought anything could hurt worse than a thousand negative pregnancy tests, not until my water broke and I was begging anyone who would listen to save my baby even when I knew in my heart that it was over. I had just seen your precious little body moving around like you always did. I had JUST heard your beautiful heartbeat. I wish I had asked for prints, I wish I had asked daddy to record that sound so I could always remember it. I wish that I could close my eyes without reliving every horrifying moment of that day, but I can't. I can't ever wake up from this nightmare I'm living. I can't force people to understand why I can't just "get over it." I can't make them understand what it is like to hold their lifeless, perfectly formed baby boy and to know that he will never grow up. I wouldn't want them to experience that, I couldn't wish it on anyone. I just can't understand why MY miracle baby was taken. You were a piece of me and a piece of your daddy, you were everything I had ever prayed for, you were my blessing, my miracle, and every day without you is another day in hell. I miss you, every second. People wonder why I'm distant, or touchy, or sad all the time, I just can't help it. I can be in a crowd full of people and hear a baby cry and my heart throbs and aches because I wish I had the chance to hear you cry. 6 months without you and it's not getting easier. I miss you. Daddy and I are waiting on a rainbow baby, we know the road is going to be long, it already has been, but even if we get that miracle, we're still going to ache for you. I love you little boy. Forever and always. 

Mommy

Thank you...

Dear Carter, 

I wish I could know what you see when you look down at us. Are you sad for the world and all the pain and tragedy we bring upon ourselves? Are you afraid for your future brothers or sisters? Do you worry about me, or about your daddy, Grady, and your big sister Summer? Do you wish we were with you there the way we wish we could have you here? I wish I had the answer to so many questions but I don't and I won't, not until I meet our Lord myself and ask him. I didn't come here today to write a sad post about how my heart aches without you, it does, but that's not why I am here. I am here to say, "Thank you my sweet son." I am sure that you know, because God must have told you, Daddy and I didn't have an easy relationship. Our love started out wrong, and it grew and grew, but it was never easy. We made so many mistakes and we hurt ourselves and others. I compromised my beliefs and my morality many times and I can never make up for that. Daddy was not always the person he is today. Sometimes he was mean, sometimes he was scary, a lot of times he out right rebuked my faith. He didn't share the same beliefs because when he was younger a lot of people did some very mean things to him in the name of our God. They told him lies that broke his heart and took away 18 years that he could have spent with your Abuelo Remedios. It was unfair, and it hurt him. Because of those experiences, your daddy was angry with God and God's people. He thought we were all the same and he wanted no part of that life. I prayed for him, every day. Every Sunday in church I'd pray for God to speak to him and change his mind. So many other people prayed for him. Do you remember when you were in my belly and Justeina, Stephanie, and Abi prayed over you? Our church was praying for Daddy too.We all wanted him to come back to God, but we knew that we couldn't force him to and he'd have to have his own reasons and his own timing. Well little man....You were the answer to my prayers in more ways than one. You helped save your daddy. You made him want to be a better person, you made him want to serve God because he wants to see you again. I don't know what was going through his head, but he's changed and I fully believe he changed because he loves you. Not only did he get Baptized exactly two months from the day you made your appearance, he also started inviting his friends to church. He has become a different man and I know that so much of that is thanks to you. I know you see all of this but I needed to put it into words. I love you sweetheart. <3 Watch over your sissy tomorrow as she has her first night in the school musical. 

P.S. If you want to be a big brother, can you do me a favor and send me a sign. I am having a hard time understanding my own feelings are leading me in the right direction. 

XoXo,

Mommy

........................

I'm running out of smiles

I've cried out all my tears

This ice running through my veins,

it's not going anywhere.

Every moment since you left

I've had to concentrate to breathe

how do I navigate this world 

when I don't know who to be?

I thought that God had given me a gift

one I could keep

But in a moment you were gone

and all I could do was weep. 

How is one person supposed to handle all life has to give

How am I supposed to breathe when I have no will to live? 

People say that time will heal, 

One day I'll think of you with no tears

But I know now that isn't real

I try to occupy my mind with thoughts of happy things

but you, my boy, you're all I want and you are why my soul still weeps. 

Mommy