Dear Carter,
I wish I could know what you see when you look down at us. Are you sad for the world and all the pain and tragedy we bring upon ourselves? Are you afraid for your future brothers or sisters? Do you worry about me, or about your daddy, Grady, and your big sister Summer? Do you wish we were with you there the way we wish we could have you here? I wish I had the answer to so many questions but I don't and I won't, not until I meet our Lord myself and ask him. I didn't come here today to write a sad post about how my heart aches without you, it does, but that's not why I am here. I am here to say, "Thank you my sweet son." I am sure that you know, because God must have told you, Daddy and I didn't have an easy relationship. Our love started out wrong, and it grew and grew, but it was never easy. We made so many mistakes and we hurt ourselves and others. I compromised my beliefs and my morality many times and I can never make up for that. Daddy was not always the person he is today. Sometimes he was mean, sometimes he was scary, a lot of times he out right rebuked my faith. He didn't share the same beliefs because when he was younger a lot of people did some very mean things to him in the name of our God. They told him lies that broke his heart and took away 18 years that he could have spent with your Abuelo Remedios. It was unfair, and it hurt him. Because of those experiences, your daddy was angry with God and God's people. He thought we were all the same and he wanted no part of that life. I prayed for him, every day. Every Sunday in church I'd pray for God to speak to him and change his mind. So many other people prayed for him. Do you remember when you were in my belly and Justeina, Stephanie, and Abi prayed over you? Our church was praying for Daddy too.We all wanted him to come back to God, but we knew that we couldn't force him to and he'd have to have his own reasons and his own timing. Well little man....You were the answer to my prayers in more ways than one. You helped save your daddy. You made him want to be a better person, you made him want to serve God because he wants to see you again. I don't know what was going through his head, but he's changed and I fully believe he changed because he loves you. Not only did he get Baptized exactly two months from the day you made your appearance, he also started inviting his friends to church. He has become a different man and I know that so much of that is thanks to you. I know you see all of this but I needed to put it into words. I love you sweetheart. <3 Watch over your sissy tomorrow as she has her first night in the school musical.
P.S. If you want to be a big brother, can you do me a favor and send me a sign. I am having a hard time understanding my own feelings are leading me in the right direction.
XoXo,
Mommy
