How'd we get here?

Today, I walked through a store and saw giraffes everywhere I turned. I smiled, because I know that you are reminding your daddy and I that you are still here. Every day when I talk to you, I feel you with me. I wish you were in my arms, but you will never leave my heart. Today you would have been 4 months old if you had been born on your due date. I can't imagine what it would be like to have a perfect, healthy 4 month old here with me instead of empty arms. This post isn't meant to be a sad one though. It's meant to be a happy one. Happy because I feel blessed to have had you for 15 weeks. Because I feel proud to know that my body was your one and only home before you laid in the arms of God. Because I feel immensely grateful to know that you were born into loving hands and you passed away in loving hands, even if they weren't mine. Because you, my precious baby boy, are now a memory that fills my heart with so much love and joy that the sadness doesn't have as much room to hurt. And because I am finally ready to love another baby. For the past ten months I have struggled with the idea of getting pregnant again because I was terrified that I'd never love another child the way I love you, or that I'd be "replacing" you, which of course would never happen, you are irreplaceable. Daddy and I have talked and talked and cried, and talked some more about when we would feel ready to bring your baby brother or sister into this world. I think now is that time. Of course it will take a lot of patience and probably a lot of pain, because Mommy's body is a big mess of broken when it comes to fertility, but I know that it will be worth it. I know, because I feel it in my heart, that this is okay with you and that you want this for us. I made a big step tonight. I am facing my fears. I don't know what I will do if something  goes wrong, if I lose another baby, but I know that the pain of never having my baby in my arms would be impossible to accept. I know that God and your daddy will be here to get me through whatever storm may come our way and I know that I have a tiny little baby up in Heaven who is going to send me the perfect brother or sister. <3 Thank you for being my perfect little angel. Don't ever stop visiting us because we will never stop loving those gentle reminders of your life. <3 You will always be my biggest blessing. 

XoXoXo,

Mommy