Selfish & Broken

Hi baby,

It's mommy again. It's been a while since I've written here but I talk to you everyday. It's been almost six months since we said goodbye. Sometimes it seems like a lifetime but sometimes I relive it like it happened yesterday. I finally got the courage to visit your grave a couple weeks ago, it was hard to be there knowing that even so close I still couldn't hold you. I don't think I'm ever going to be the girl I was before. Your life changed me in so many ways. Your death changed me too. I used to love everyone and love being around people but now it takes everything in me to function in public. It is hard to hear the comments people make. They probably don't mean to hurt me, if you haven't had your miracle taken away, I guess it would be hard to know what to say. They talk about motherhood as if it is the most irritating job on earth, they make comments about how bratty their kids are, or how they wish they could, "get rid of them" for the weekend so they could go out. I understand wanting time to yourself, and I try to be supportive, but in my mind and in my heart, all I can really think is that I would give ANYTHING to be woken in the middle of the night by a crying baby, I'd give anything to deal with the spilled milk or overturned box of crackers, I'd give anything to battle the terrible twos or to go days without sleeping for some reason other than my insomnia. I'd give anything to spend every waking moment with my baby. That chance was taken from me and hearing other people complain about it just breaks my heart. Maybe that sounds selfish, maybe it IS selfish but it's how I feel and I try SO hard to keep it to myself because I do love my friends and family and I'd never want to hurt them or offend them but it is SO so hard for me not to fall apart during these kinds of exchanges. They have a hard job, and I understand that, and I want them to feel comfortable talking to me, I don't ever want to judge them because I know they judge themselves enough. I know being a mom isn't easy, I know because I spent a year of my life raising a little boy who I love more than life, who was ripped away from me just like you were, except that he's still on earth, I just can't hold him anymore. Because EVERY SINGLE DAY I devoted everything to him and even when it was hard and frustrating and impossible, I loved every second of it. I would give anything to have him here with me because I love him just the same way I love you. I take care of people, I always have, it's what I love the most in life. I always knew that the only dream I really cared about was being someone's mommy. The sad part is that after 3 years, thousands of dollars, more physical and emotional pain than I care to relive, and one horrifying morning when I lost the greatest gift I had ever been given, my arms, my womb, and my heart are still so very empty. I am so sick of infertility, but interestingly enough, at one point I thought infertility was the worst heartache I could endure. How wrong was I? My heart aches for every couple who endures this journey. Whether they've been trying for one year or 20 because wherever you are on your journey is the most painful place to be in that moment. I never ever thought anything could hurt worse than a thousand negative pregnancy tests, not until my water broke and I was begging anyone who would listen to save my baby even when I knew in my heart that it was over. I had just seen your precious little body moving around like you always did. I had JUST heard your beautiful heartbeat. I wish I had asked for prints, I wish I had asked daddy to record that sound so I could always remember it. I wish that I could close my eyes without reliving every horrifying moment of that day, but I can't. I can't ever wake up from this nightmare I'm living. I can't force people to understand why I can't just "get over it." I can't make them understand what it is like to hold their lifeless, perfectly formed baby boy and to know that he will never grow up. I wouldn't want them to experience that, I couldn't wish it on anyone. I just can't understand why MY miracle baby was taken. You were a piece of me and a piece of your daddy, you were everything I had ever prayed for, you were my blessing, my miracle, and every day without you is another day in hell. I miss you, every second. People wonder why I'm distant, or touchy, or sad all the time, I just can't help it. I can be in a crowd full of people and hear a baby cry and my heart throbs and aches because I wish I had the chance to hear you cry. 6 months without you and it's not getting easier. I miss you. Daddy and I are waiting on a rainbow baby, we know the road is going to be long, it already has been, but even if we get that miracle, we're still going to ache for you. I love you little boy. Forever and always. 

Mommy