Jealousy
I am jealous of every single person I see with their children. I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to be heartbroken when my friends talk about their babies. I want to be supportive, I want to be the aunt that all the kids want to be around. Most of the time I can do that, but sometimes I can't. Sometimes breathing is too hard. It's too hard to plaster this stupid, fake smile on my face. I don't have the strength to pretend that I am not a shattered, broken mess. It's too difficult to look at these parents who don't show the slightest interest in their children and pretend that it doesn't infuriate me. I am genuinely happy for my friends and family who have babies that are so wanted and loved. It isn't that I am just this selfish person who doesn't care about anyone else. It just hurts. It breaks my heart and I have no idea how to make it better.
Fear
After I had Carter I was convinced that I'd never carry a baby past 15 weeks and that terrified me. Wes and I discussed it and decided that we would not risk losing another baby. I saw a new doctor on February 28th at the advice of a wonderful friend. He gave me so much more hope than I could have asked for, but it didn't take away the fear. I am terrified of the tests, the pain involved, the risk to my heart, and the risk to my health. More than any of that, I am terrified of losing another baby, because I am barely breathing through this. I have an ache in my soul that just won't ease. I miss being pregnant, I miss a baby I never really got to know. This week I'd be feeling kicks and hiccups, I can't stop thinking about how empty that makes me feel. I am not sure the pain will ever ease. I don't know how I can get through another pregnancy without breaking down and panicking on a daily basis.
The little voice in my head....
There's this voice that I can't push aside. I've had it since I was a kid and I've never really gotten away from it. It's telling me that I would have been a horrible mommy. That my baby was taken because I wasn't good enough. It's telling me that everything I am feeling inside is fear rather than optimism. Because I am not confident in my ability to carry a baby, to protect a baby. I am terrified and this little voice in my head is telling me that I will never be able to do it.
I am jealous of every single person I see with their children. I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to be heartbroken when my friends talk about their babies. I want to be supportive, I want to be the aunt that all the kids want to be around. Most of the time I can do that, but sometimes I can't. Sometimes breathing is too hard. It's too hard to plaster this stupid, fake smile on my face. I don't have the strength to pretend that I am not a shattered, broken mess. It's too difficult to look at these parents who don't show the slightest interest in their children and pretend that it doesn't infuriate me. I am genuinely happy for my friends and family who have babies that are so wanted and loved. It isn't that I am just this selfish person who doesn't care about anyone else. It just hurts. It breaks my heart and I have no idea how to make it better.
Fear
After I had Carter I was convinced that I'd never carry a baby past 15 weeks and that terrified me. Wes and I discussed it and decided that we would not risk losing another baby. I saw a new doctor on February 28th at the advice of a wonderful friend. He gave me so much more hope than I could have asked for, but it didn't take away the fear. I am terrified of the tests, the pain involved, the risk to my heart, and the risk to my health. More than any of that, I am terrified of losing another baby, because I am barely breathing through this. I have an ache in my soul that just won't ease. I miss being pregnant, I miss a baby I never really got to know. This week I'd be feeling kicks and hiccups, I can't stop thinking about how empty that makes me feel. I am not sure the pain will ever ease. I don't know how I can get through another pregnancy without breaking down and panicking on a daily basis.
The little voice in my head....
There's this voice that I can't push aside. I've had it since I was a kid and I've never really gotten away from it. It's telling me that I would have been a horrible mommy. That my baby was taken because I wasn't good enough. It's telling me that everything I am feeling inside is fear rather than optimism. Because I am not confident in my ability to carry a baby, to protect a baby. I am terrified and this little voice in my head is telling me that I will never be able to do it.
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